Suprise Ending Quotes

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep, and not screaming like the passengers in his car.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him. He isn’t going to come.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places- Henny Youngman.

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry- George Ade.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

A signature always reveals a man's character and sometimes even his name. 

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height- Casey Stengel

I speak English, Spanish, and I am illiterate in three other languages.

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants”- Whitney Brown.

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, new to me.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program- Bob Wells

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it- Groucho Marx

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach a man to fish, he will sit drunk in a boat all day.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

Just bought a book on procrastination, but I can’t find the time to pick it up.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see, but only you get the warm feeling it brings.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."- Albert Einstein

Odd and Impossible Quotes

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure- W.C. Fields.

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. 

Who says nothing is impossible.  I've been doing nothing for years. 

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized- Fred Allen.

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.

Are you awake? No.

A nickel isn’t worth a dime anymore- Yogi Berra.

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated- Mark Twain.

I'm not 40, I'm eighteen with 22 years experience.

Random and Wierd Quotes

I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention- Hugh Gallagher.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants- Hugh Gallagher.

There is so little to see and so much time to do it- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.-Hugh Gallagher.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.-Hugh Gallagher.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy- Hugh Gallagher.

I would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full- Henry Kissinger.

I can cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes- Hugh Gallagher.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle- Bob Hope

I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, new to me.

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

Math Quotes

Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are
talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true- Bertrand Russell.

Trigonometry is a sine of the times.

God is real, unless declared integer.

A mathematician is a scientist who can figure out anything except such
 simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Sports Quotes

Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer- Ted Williams

Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there? - Larry Anderson

Don't forget to swing hard, in case you hit the ball- Woodie Held.

90% of sports is mental. The other half is physical.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. - Mitch Hedberg

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other- Jack Handey.

Prize fighters can sometimes read and write when they start - but they can't when they finish- Martin H. Fischer.

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give it up.  I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball.  I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football.  And I have 20-20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.

Men and Women

Men will spend 2 bucks on a 1 buck item that they desperately need. Women will spend 1 buck on a 2 buck item that they don’t need at all.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth- Chuck Norris

Men who chase cars gets exhausted, men who run in front of cars get tired.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man- Lana Turner

Women: Can’t live with them, can’t bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

Marriage and Love Quotes

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then you wonder what to do with it.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

The four most important words in any marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

Taxes and Goverment Quotes

Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.

Two things are sure to happen in everyone’s lives: death and taxes.

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

If Thomas Jefferson thought taxation without representation was bad, he should see how it is with representation.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has- Will Rogers.

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax- Albert Einstein.

When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, its taxation- Vanya Cohen.

Life and Death Quotes

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia- Charles Schulz

I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 


Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Animal Quotes

Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue- Dilbert.

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines- Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you . . . They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect. - Bill Bryson

Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve. – Erich Fromm

New Zealand is a country of thirty thousand million sheep, three million of whom think they are human. - Barry Humphries

Holiday Quotes

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying: toys not included- Bernard Manning.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.

Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it- Richard Lamm.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? “Claustrophobic."

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas- Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other- Johnny Carson

Movie and TV Quotes

Demented and sad, but social.- The Breakfast Club

Roses are red, violets are blue.  I’m a schizophrenic and so am I- Bill Murray.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes- J.B. Morton.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos- Homer Simpson.

I am late to work due to an asthmatic attack. I can’t believe I didn’t hear him in the bushes- Emo Phillips.

Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. - Homer Simpson

We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again! - The Simpsons Movie

The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe -- women! - Back to the Future II